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Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening, by Robert J. Meyers, Brenda L. Wolfe
Free PDF Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening, by Robert J. Meyers, Brenda L. Wolfe
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The first general consumer book ever on the powerful, award-winning, scientifically proven new system of intervention that is turning the recovery field on its head.
Historically there have been few options available for individuals seeking help for treatment-resistant loved ones suffering from substance abuse.Co-author Dr. Robert Meyers spent ten years developing a treatment program that helps Concerned Significant Others (CSOs) both improve the quality of their lives and to learn how to make treatment an attractive option for their partners who are substance abusers. Get Your Loved One Sober describes this multi-faceted program that uses supportive, non-confrontational methods to engage substance abusers into treatment. Called Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT), the program uses scientifically validated behavioral principles to reduce the loved one's substance use and to encourage him or her to seek treatment. Equally important, CRAFT also helps loved ones reduce personal stress and introduce meaningful, new sources of satisfaction into their life.Key Features: CRAFT is more effective than other types of interventions.This breakthrough new system is sweeping the recovery field. This is its first introduction to the general public.Contains simple exercises readers can practice at their own pace, with no costly or heart-breaking interventions.Proven successful for numerous addictions, not just alcoholism.
- Sales Rank: #31812 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Hazelden
- Published on: 2003-12-12
- Released on: 2003-12-12
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.40" h x .60" w x 5.40" l, .72 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 240 pages
- Used Book in Good Condition
Review
"With a map, directions, and the family in the driver's seat, Get Your Loved One Sober is an important book for any family affected by alcohol abuse."
--Claudia Black, PhD, author of It Will Never Happen to Me
"For decades it was believed that there was nothing one could do to help substance-abusing loved ones until they hit bottom or that heavy-handed confrontational tactics were necessary. Bob Meyers has developed a remarkably effective and gentle method for working through family members and concerned significant others to help their 'unmotivated' loved ones get into treatment. It is no longer necessary to feel helpless and hopeless. This book offers clear and practical advice based on solid scientific research."
--William R. Miller, PhD, distinguished professor of psychology and psychiatry and author of Motivational Interviewing
"Get Your Loved One Sober is an outstanding resource for persons dealing with loved ones who refuse to get help for their substance abuse problem. Years of research show that the approach described in this book works. I highly recommend it."
--Timothy O'Farrell, PhD, chief of the Families and Addiction Program, Harvard Medical School, Department of Psychiatry
'If you feel like your life is out of control because of someone else's substance abuse, this book will put you in the driver's seat with research-based strategies that can make life infinitely better--for you and your loved one. Get Your Loved One Sober fills a void for everyday people as well as professionals who feel helpless and hopeless concerning substance abusers in their lives. Clearly written and engaging, this book can move you from feeling like a passive victim to becoming an empowered, active player in helping a loved one overcome a drinking problem."
--Anne M. Fletcher, MS, RD, LD, author of Sober for Good: New Solutions for Drinking Problems--Advice from Those Who Have Succeeded and recipient of the Research Society on Alcoholism Journalism Award
"Lucid and clear, this book will help those who love an addicted person find the practical steps they need to take to facilitate change. I recommend it highly."
--Thomas Bien, PhD, coauthor of Mindful Recovery and Finding the Center Within
About the Author
Robert J. Meyers, PhD, is an Associate Professor of Psychology at the University of New Mexico. He is also the Associate Director of the Clinical Research Branch of the Center on Alcoholism Substance Abuse and Addictions (CASAA). CASAA is internationally known for its excellence in substance abuse research and treatment development. Dr. Meyers has worked in the substance abuse field for over 27 years and has published several books and dozens of articles.Brenda L. Wolfe, PhD, is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in the treatment of Eating Disorders, Substance Abuse, and Post-Traumatic Stress. In addition to her busy private practice, Dr. Wolfe is involved in research collaborations at the University of New Mexico, serves as a corporate consultant for the development of psychologically based services, and is active in various professional organizations. Her books and articles have appeared in both the popular and professional press.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Can This Book Help You?
If you live with or love someone who drinks or drugs too much, this book can help you. This book offers you a program that has been proven to help people whose lives are affected by a problem drinker, a drug user, or someone who does both. If you feel stuck in a hopeless, substance-ruled life, this book can help you. If you have ever called, or wanted to call, a crisis line, clinic, or hospital and said, "Help, my husband is drinking himself to death" or "Help, my kid stays out all night getting high, and I'm scared to death," this book can help. You will also find help here if alcohol or drugs are destroying your marriage or scaring your children. Whether you are the wife, husband, lover, parent, son, daughter, or friend of an alcoholic or drug user, this book offers you the tools both to help you help your loved one find the path to sobriety and to improve your own life.
Throughout the book you will notice that we primarily illustrate our points with alcohol abusers. The program, however, has been proven to be effective with loved ones who abuse a wide variety of substances ranging from alcohol and marijuana to heroin and crack. Thus, you can effectively apply the program to your loved one regardless of the substance of abuse.
If you have "tried everything" and nothing has worked, but you are not ready to give up, then you are in the right place. The scientifically validated program on which this book is based has been designed specifically for people who feel they have "tried it all." They have scolded, nagged, begged, bribed, detached, and tried a few tricks not fit to print. Just like you, they love their drinkers enough to keep trying and trying. What they have not done (and what we will teach you to do) is use that love to change the way they and their drinkers interact so that they spend less time feeling miserable and their loved ones discover the pleasure in being sober. From where we sit, that's an awfully good deal. We are confident that you will also find it to be so.
Of course, we cannot guarantee that every single problem will be solved. What we can promise is that we will teach you skills to regain control of your life and to offer your drinker the best help available. In some cases, applying these skills does not result in complete abstinence and happily-ever-after—but in most cases, it does result in a better life for you and in sobriety for your drinker. The happily-ever-after is up to you and your loved one to create.
To keep their discussion uncluttered, the authors primarily refer to drinkers for the rest of the book, rather than to drinkers and drug users. The material is equally applicable to both groups, although extra caution should be taken in cases where the user's lifestyle is centered around violence and criminal activity.
from Chapter 1
The Program
The subtitle for this book, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening, was chosen deliberately to emphasize that our program offers a positive alternative to the usual tactics people use to try to get their loved ones sober. If your loved one is still abusing alcohol or other drugs, in spite of your repeated efforts to get her to quit, then it is time to try something different. It is time to try the Alternatives.
Learning the alternatives to nagging, pleading, and threatening is fairly straightforward. It will not take years of study for you to master these tools. You simply need to work your way through this program and give some serious thought to what you want and to the choices you make. Whether you do that quickly and decisively or slowly and deliberately is entirely up to you. Although the concepts are not complex, your life is, and change will happen at variable speeds despite your consistent efforts. Just keep in mind that if you do not try at all, it is likely nothing will change (at least not for the better). On the other hand, if you use the Alternatives, there is the very strong likelihood that your life will improve. Hence, dig in!
The alternative to nagging, pleading, and threatening can be found in a simple system of behavior that has two goals and one central procedure. The goals are (1) to improve the quality of your life and (2) to make sobriety more attractive to your loved one than drinking. The central procedure is something we call "behavioral mapping." It is a way of figuring out how you and your drinker affect each other and how that pattern may be modified to achieve different results. For example, Ruth found it very upsetting that Paul would open a beer as soon as he came home from work every day. In fact, she found it so upsetting that each day she would bitterly complain about it, and they would fight. After mapping out their typical after-work scenario, Ruth realized that her complaints actually made it more likely that Paul would drink. He used the arguments as an excuse to justify his "needing" a relaxing drink. Her nagging also gave him a reason to "punish" her by drinking. Using the same Alternatives you will learn, Ruth was able to change her reaction to Paul's after-work beer. Further, by doing so, she eventually made it more enjoyable for him to skip the beer than to drink it. End of beer. End of complaints. End of arguments and punishment. Beginning of a better quality of life for Ruth and a shift toward sobriety for Paul.
Sounds simple, doesn't it? Well it is both simple and difficult. The techniques are not difficult to learn. What can be difficult, however, is applying them in your current life. The way you and your loved one interact is a well-rehearsed routine born of your natural style, his natural style, the impact of alcohol on your loved one's brain and behavior, and the interaction of all of the above. If you think of the changes you want to achieve as a journey, you can draw a parallel between the simple lines on a road map and the techniques you will learn, and then draw a parallel between the actual roads you travel and the life context in which you implement them. Real roads, unlike their clean counterparts on a map, have potholes, detours, and traffic jams. Your life has hard-to-break habits, unforeseen crises, and just plain discouragement that you will need to overcome. However, just as you wouldn't give up a desirable journey simply because some of the roads are bumpy, you won't give up on changing life with your drinker just because it is not always easy. Change is almost never easy; but change for the better is always worth the effort. After months and years of nagging, pleading, and threatening your loved one, you are ready for a change.
A Look Ahead
As we have already said, there are two simple objectives to this program. One is to improve the quality of your life. That means not only getting your loved one to stop abusing alcohol, but more importantly, putting the sanity back into your own life regardless of whether she ever gives up drinking. That's right. It is time for your quality of life to become less dependent on whether your loved one is drunk or sober, in a good mood or bad, home or out. To this end, we will help you create a safety plan to ensure that regardless of your drinker's mood, you and those dependent on you do not become victims of violence. (We cover this in chapter 3.) On a happier note, chapter 4 offers you a glimpse of the future you will create. In other words, as you work your way through that chapter, you will figure out what you want your life to look like and begin to translate those dreams into attainable goals. Chapter 5 addresses the guilt that gets in the way of moving forward and helps you feel good about finally being in the driver's seat. Part of moving forward, of course, means rebuilding your emotional and social life. Chapter 6 shows you how.
The objective of moving your loved one toward sobriety, believe it or not, is also helped by improving the quality of your life independent of his behavior. As your stress level decreases, you will be able to deal with your drinker in a calmer, less reactive manner, and your relationship will improve. This in turn will help you motivate your drinker toward sobriety. Unfortunately, your improved attitude, while necessary, is not sufficient to accomplish this second goal. Thus, we also give you a tool kit of techniques that are effective alternatives to nagging, pleading, and threatening. To begin with, the behavioral map we mentioned earlier forms the foundation of almost every strategy. Thus, an entire chapter is devoted to teaching you how to use this important technique. Chapter 2 will explain the behavioral map, provide lots of examples, show you how to use it in your own situations, and help you practice until you can map your interactions and be confident that you really are getting at what triggers your difficulties. Combining this awareness with the other techniques you learn will empower you in a way that nagging, pleading, and threatening never could. Moving on to these other techniques, you will find chapters devoted to disabling your enabling behaviors (chapter 7) as well as useful problem-solving and communication techniques (chapters 8 and 9). "Behavior Basics" (chapter 10) will equip you with the core tools of behavior change so that you can more easily modify your behavior and that of your drinker. (Lest you shudder at the thought of "modifying" anyone, stay calm. The section on page 7 calle...
Most helpful customer reviews
35 of 35 people found the following review helpful.
Nagging, Pleading and Threatening is usually counterproductive!
By Barbara S. Reeves
The problem that most people experience when trying to get their loved one sober is that they keep trying the same tactics over and over again without success. All their nagging, pleading, bargaining, and threatening is usually counterproductive. They must find a new approach.
In their book, "Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening", authors Robert J. Meyers and Brenda L. Wolf have developed a program called CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) that uses "supportive and non-confrontational methods to engage the substance abuser in treatment." CRAFT is a program for the significant other, usually a spouse living with the substance abuser.
CRAFT teaches them to improve their own lives regardless of whether the addict enters treatment or not. Meyers and Wolf claim to have a higher success rate than Al-Anon and the Johnson Institute's traditional method of intervention.
Some of their useful advice includes:
~ Identify triggers, signs of drinking, and consequences of use.
~ Develop a roadmap for dealing with triggers, signs, and consequences.
~ Do not take responsibility for the drinker's behavior.
~ Change your reaction to their drinking behavior with a number of tools.
~ Stop fixing their messes and allow them to experience the consequences.
~ Attempt to offer a more rewarding activity than drinking (good luck with this one).
~ Speak to them using "I" statements instead of "You" statements.
~ Have treatment already lined up for when they are ready.
~ Know that lapses and mistakes are a natural part of life and are to be expected in a process of change.
They also make one important point: "If there is one overriding 'fact' in the world of behavior change, it is that people who record important information about their lives are the people most likely to succeed in making important changes in their lives." So Meyers and Wolf encourage you top keep a journal of these activities and the results. And remember that the winners in life see problems as opportunities.
David Allan Reeves
Author of "Running Away From Me"
10 of 10 people found the following review helpful.
Unhelpful with Meth Addiction
By haphazardgypsy
I'm sure this could be helpful to someone living with an alcoholic, but the ideas do not transfer well to harder drugs, or to dealing with someone you are not living with. I got this book to help me interact with my brother, a meth addict, living out of state. The state of mind of a meth addict is so different than that of a drunk, and meth destroys the body/mind much quicker. Hard drugs require quicker action and something more confrontational, such as intervention (at least in the case of my family). I'm sure the CRAFT method is effective in some cases, but does not apply to the broader range of addicts.
9 of 9 people found the following review helpful.
A life changing approach
By Sarah
Get Your Loved One Sober outlines a scientifically proven technique (CRAFT) based on the philosophy that if I am someone with a close relationship with my Loved One, my day-to-day interactions with my Loved One can begin to subtly influence the choices they make about drinking, using drugs, or whatever addictive behavior they are engaged in. This book is not the elusive, magical "silver bullet", because complex problems rarely get resolved through a one-time simple action. This is, however, a great place to start - especially if you're feeling exhausted, frustrated, and that you've tried everything else and nothing has worked yet. Does this require some extra effort on the part of the family and/or friend? Most definitely. But I feel that my loved one's health, life and future are worth a little extra, momentary, effort on my part for a bigger payoff later.
What I like most about this book is that it turns the focus from the addictive behavior of your loved one back onto YOURSELF. Many people who have a loved one with an addictive issue have really turned their lives upside down, focusing all their energy and efforts on the addiction. Get Your Loved One Sober helps remind everyone that they deserve to be the focus of their own lives, they deserve to be happy and healthy, and most of all they deserve to be safe. With great tips on everything from WHEN to speak to a loved one about an addictive behavior to HOW to make sure you're prepared to get out if things turn violent, Get Your Loved One Sober prepares family and friends to make the most helpful decisions for them when situations become difficult to navigate.
I first heard about this book when searching online for 12-step alternatives. I found SMART Recovery Online, and they have a fantastic section of resources for Family and Friends of those with addictive behaviors. They have weekly online voice meetings firmly based in the techniques outlined in Dr. Meyers' book. Between SMART Recovery Online and this wonderful book, I am feeling healthier and happier than I can remember in a long time. My loved one is making great process in recovery, and we have a wonderful future to look forward to.
While this book is not a "quick-fix" (since there are no quick-fixes in the field of recovery) it quickly got me on my way to doing positive, helpful things that made me feel happier, healthier and more hopeful right away. Really, the book is not about our loved ones, rather it's really about how to get ourselves to a better place - and thereby be a bigger help to our loved ones. It has been truly life changing for me and my loved one. Thank you Dr. Meyers!
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